


Ill-Kept Secret

by ainm



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: First Times, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 09:47:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/796875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ainm/pseuds/ainm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim keeps a secret less well than Blair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ill-Kept Secret

## Ill-Kept Secret

#### by ainm

Author's website: <http://www.geocities.com/ainm66/TS/>  
Not mine, making no money, intending no copyright infringement.  
Dedicated to Audra Rose, who requested a story on "secrets."  
  


* * *

He'd managed for days not to pry, but by the time they sat down to eat on Friday, Blair couldn't stand it anymore. 

"Alright, what is it?" 

"What is what?" Jim looked predictably annoyed. 

"I don't know, whatever it is that's bothering you." 

"Nothing's bothering me." 

_Yeah, right._ "You're keeping something from me, I can tell, and it's starting to drive me crazy." 

"You _are_ crazy, Sandburg." 

"Well, at least I'm not a secretive asshole," Blair said, exasperated. 

"Oh, like you don't have any secrets?" Jim shot back. 

_Plenty, pal._ "Well, if there are any things I don't happen to share with you, I at least don't make it perfectly obvious that I'm hiding something." 

"I'm not hiding anything." 

"Yes you are, damnit, and you're either going to tell me or you're going to do a little better job repressing it, because the tension in here is just too much lately!" 

"Are you going to go 'relax' in your office, then?" 

Sometimes he had just no idea what Jim was talking about... and by the look on Jim's face, Jim wasn't quite sure what he'd said either. "What?" 

"Nothing." 

"Jesus, Jim, spill it or shut up -- you're playing games worse than most of my ex-girlfriends!" 

Jim let out a rather obnoxious snort. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"I saw you playing games _with_ your girlfriend." 

"What?" 

"In your office -- I came to take you to lunch and to go over the Danton scene with you again." 

"Tuesday." 

"Yeah." 

"Gina... she's not my girlfriend, just a friend who'd been away for a few months and the reunion, well, it took a rather energetic turn." 

"Hmm. I don't have friends like that." 

"It's just, one of those things, I don't know. Nothing heavy." 

"Hmm." 

Jim turned his attention to his dinner, and didn't say another word. But Blair could tell that they weren't through with the subject somehow. 

"That wasn't all, was it." Blair's suspicions were confirmed when a tinge of red touched Jim's cheeks, and his partner didn't look up. 

"Come on, Jim, let's not drag this out all night. Just tell me -- what's the big secret, man?" 

"Nothing." 

"Why aren't I believing you?" 

"Because you're an annoying creep who won't take no for an answer?" 

"No, because I know it's best in the long run if we just get it out there now." Blair watched the tension in Jim's body, the blush which had spread to color his whole face, the eyes directed only at the plate... his partner was incredibly embarrassed, and while Blair got a tiny jolt of sadistic pleasure from that, he truly wanted to clear the air and make Jim feel better. 

He took an educated guess, since it didn't seem that Jim was going to tell him. "You were aroused by it, weren't you?" 

"Christ, Chief!" Jim's eyes flew to his, wide with shock, then turned away again. 

"Look, Jim, it's a perfectly normal reaction. We see sexual activity and our bodies say 'yeah, sounds good!' -- it's a generic response and nothing to be embarrassed about." 

"Right." Jim seemed eager to get past it, and Blair didn't want to torture his friend, but he wanted to make sure it was really through. 

"Besides, Gina is _really_ hot," Blair offered. 

"Mm-hmm," Jim mumbled, and coughed. Blair's intent had been to help erase any lingering embarrassment, but seeing the way Jim clenched his fork tightly and the way the blood in his face spread to his neck and his ears got him thinking again. 

They continued to eat their dinner, silently but surprisingly slowly. Jim appeared to be completely fascinated with the appearance of each shred of carrot and each strand of bean-thread noodle in the stir-fry, separating every bite of vegetable and chicken on his plate and generally acting like a six-year-old who hoped to outlast his parents and not have to actually finish his food. 

"That's not all of it either, is it, Jim?" 

Jim didn't pretend not to know what Blair was referring to, but didn't answer, either. 

"Jim, we can't keep these secrets from one another -- everything falls apart when we do that, don't you know that?" 

Blair was out of ideas, but he knew he couldn't let it drop. It was getting into painful territory, though -- as he'd told Jim, he might have secrets, but he kept them hidden well, tucked away in almost Jim-like repression. It didn't even bear thinking about that Jim might be embarrassed because he found the sight of _him_ with Gina attractive... or if that _was_ the case, that Jim was embarrassed because the thought was so horrifying. Blair knew that Jim didn't see him that way, wouldn't ever think of him as something more than a partner in the purely platonic sense. 

"Jim, come on, man, it isn't fair that I always have to solve our emotional crises -- can't you just tell me? You're obviously embarrassed about something, something beyond having seen your roommate going at it hot and heavy with an attractive lady --" 

"Blair!" Jim interrupted him with a strangled sound and got up from the table and was standing looking out into the dim evening light before Blair had fully registered the movement. 

Heaving a sigh, Blair began clearing the dishes; it was obvious that dinner was over. He ought to be used to this by now, but it didn't really get easier with repetition. He cast furtive glances to the still form of his partner at the window, but kept his distance. 

Finally, the remains of dinner dealt with and still not a movement from Jim, Blair decided to declare defeat. 

"Jim," he called softly, coming to stand unacknowledged next to him. 

Slowly Jim turned to face his partner. His eyes were dark, the pupils wide from staring into the darkness outside the loft. 

"Look, Jim, I don't know what the problem is, but if I've done anything to make you uncomfortable, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you saw us, I'm sorry it upset you, I'm sorry for pushing. You win, OK? I'll leave it alone -- I just worry when you get like this, that it's going to end up blowing up in our faces somehow. So... if you want to talk about it, that's cool, but otherwise I'll leave it alone." He turned to walk towards his room. 

"Chief," Jim called in a husky voice, arm outstretched toward his partner but not actually touching. 

Blair stopped and turned back around. "Yeah, Jim?" 

"I'm sorry -- you didn't do anything wrong. I just... I just don't want to talk about it." 

"OK, Jim." He turned away again. 

"Chief, wait!" This time he did touch, grasping Blair's upper arm, holding him fast. 

Once more, Blair turned around. "Jim, make up your mind here!" He tried for a light tone, but he could tell he hadn't quite made it and the strain came through. 

"I can't, Blair." He let his arm drop. 

"Can't make up your mind? Can't tell me? Can't what?" The use of his first name for the second time that night had him getting strangely upset. 

"I'm... I'm a little too good at keeping secrets, Chief. Keeping secrets has always been important and necessary to me, between the senses and the military and, well, just everything." 

"Hey, it's OK, I understand. Everybody has things they don't want to share. It's just that when I can tell that there's something eating you up, and it seems to involve me, it's hard for me not to push, you know?" 

"I know, and... I just don't want to ruin things. But I don't think I can keep this secret anymore." 

Blair looked encouragingly at him. 

"I just... I don't know how to _tell_ the secret, either." 

"We going to have to play twenty questions here?" Blair asked, half-humorously. Jim just smiled, a small and shy smile that completely wrapped Blair around his little finger. 

"OK, fine. So we established that you saw me and Gina, on Tuesday, in my office, doing the nasty." 

"Blair!" Jim looked scandalized. 

"What, you object to the terminology now? In my office, screwing like rabbits?" 

Jim let out a wordless but obviously horrified sound. 

"Jeez, man, I tell you, it wasn't that serious. But fine, in my office, engaging in intimate relations. Better?" Blair saw the quick smile on Jim's face -- but he also caught the slight wiggle of a man trying to adjust the equipment without using his hands. _Oh my god..._

"Now I'm maintaining that Gina is one delicious-looking lady, but perhaps she isn't quite to your taste..." Blair suggested. Jim gave a slight one-shouldered shrug. 

"But you were, in fact, aroused." A tiny nod. 

"So logic is indicating that it wasn't just the lovely tits of my partner" -- a small squeak from Jim -- "that you found exciting, but something else about the situation, and being aroused by that something else is bothering you." Blair paused to try to gauge Jim's reaction, but there wasn't any... in fact, Jim didn't even seem to be breathing. 

"So, I don't know whether it's just the fact that it was someone you know, namely me, caught in flagrante delecto, or you have a generic voyeurism kink that you want to get off your chest, or..." 

He was afraid to actually say it, afraid that just letting Jim know that it could have even occurred to him would be a bad thing to do... but yet he had no choice... 

"Or... it was _me_ that you were attracted to..." _Shit, that sounded way too wistful..._

Apparently Jim _had_ been holding his breath, because it came out with a rush as they stood there, staring at each other with eyes wide and unblinking. 

_Damn it, he's going to make me say it for him..._

"So... I'm getting the feeling it was the last one?" 

Another tiny smile on Jim's face, and the sight of it put an even bigger smile on Blair, and soon they both were grinning. 

"It's OK?" Jim finally spoke. 

"Oh, far more than OK, man," Blair assured him, still smiling. 

"I didn't know." 

"Know that I felt that way about you, or that you felt that way about me?" 

"Yeah. Both. I mean, after I saw you, and it made me crazy, jealous and hard and confused, well... after I, ah, took care of things in the bathroom --" 

"In my building? That is _so_ hot!" 

"Look, this is my big moment of sharing, here, don't interrupt!" 

"Sorry, it's just, whoa." Blair inched closer, still not touching. 

"The point is that I realized that I'd actually... wanted you for a long time, I just hadn't quite noticed before." 

"I noticed. I mean, I noticed that you were incredibly sexy from day one, hell, minute one, there in the hospital. But... that's not all, you know? I mean, it's not just the wanting, though that's a big part of it, but not _too_ big a part, because --" 

"Blair? I love you." 

Blair laughed softly. "Yeah, that's what I wasn't managing to say. I think you got your secret out admirably, Jim." 

"Feels good." 

"Yeah, it does." 

"You kept yours even better than I kept mine -- but _you_ were bullying _me_ about confessing. Is that fair?" 

"Like I said, if you aren't going to deal with it, keep it out of sight. I didn't think any good could come of bringing it up, so I left it a very well-kept secret." 

"OK, well now that we've got the secrets out there, are we done with the talking already?" 

"Why, do you have other plans?" Blair said slyly. 

"Oh, you bet I do -- I've had _lots_ of ideas since Tuesday, Sandburg," Jim agreed with a delightfully lascivious grin. 

Blair laughed. "Hey, I beat your _days_ of thinking by a mile, man." 

"You might have been thinking longer, Chief, but I think you might be surprised by how much creativity I've packed into this week." 

"Then Jim?" He raised an eyebrow at his partner. "Why are we still standing here?" 

Both men were laughing as they raced up the stairs to the loft. 

* * *

End Ill-Kept Secret by ainm: ainm@livejournal.com  
Author and story notes above.

  
Disclaimer: _The Sentinel_ is owned etc. by Pet Fly, Inc. These pages and the stories on them are not meant to infringe on, nor are they endorsed by, Pet Fly, Inc. and Paramount. 


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